Saturday, May 14, 2011

The Box

I had it next to the front door for three days.
I didn't want to open it. I was scared to. I wasn't ready to go back into my brother's life. To bring him back into mine...
I worked hard keeping him out of my life, especially after he died. I really just didn't need that burden of depression.
I got over him quickly, and now I'm facing the consequences.
I was up late last night, Malkin still down at his parents, so I was still alone.
I remember laying my cigarette in the ash tray and looking down at the box. The TV was flashing different colors of commercials, while my mind exhaustedly wondered what was hidden in that box.
Getting off the couch, I took a step toward it. I shook my head and sat back down thinking waiting for Malkin to come home was a better idea.

But then I thought maybe I didn't want him to know what was in that box, what if it showed something I didn't want Malkin to know about me or my brother...
This thought got me off the couch and the box on my lap.
I opened the flaps and looked inside. First thing was his cap from graduation, a blue hat with a rainbow tassel for being an honor student all four years. Made me wonder where his mind had gone from having all that knowledge. It didn't have anything to do with my search so I set it next to me.
Note books and random files laid on top of each other showed next. I took one of the note books and opened it, finding scribbles of math equations and random circles with X's through them in various colors of ink. I guessed the circles were part of the math equations so I ignored them. The rest of the book continued the same, more math equations. But the weird thing was none of the problems were ever finished. I would have tried to finish them if I was actually good at math...
I pulled out the rest of the notebooks and folders and sat them next to me. I didn't want to read them yet, too tired.
Under it all was a gun...
I stared at it for a long time. Kyle shot himself. But with a different gun than the one I was looking at.
It scared me, but for the weirdest reason all I wanted to do was touch it, feel it. Feel what it would have felt like to have it placed against my head.
How death could be so easy, and so close with just a pull of a trigger...
What Kyle felt, his emotions, his cold sweat, his escape.

I snapped out of it and threw the box at the door. Somethings flew out, along with the gun, perfectly pointing at me.
I closed my eyes. My throat tensed as I clenched my fists.
I realized for a little bit that I lost all my family. The family that I had, that wasn't even real, I didn't have it anymore.
I breathed in deeply. I'm not a man to cry, but when I do, I have my reasons.
I didn't cry last night. Instead I breathed the smoke of my cigarette and burned it out on the ashtray. I lifted myself from the couch and moved to the bed.
I fell on top of it and clenched the sheets. I took in the scent of Malkin and fell asleep without even turning the TV off...

To the sound of fuzz.

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