Wednesday, November 30, 2011

You Worry Too Much

Aiden thinks I hate him for what happened. I really don't know where he got that idea after I thanked him about a million times for saving me, but still he worries. I don't know how to make him see that my arm needed to be removed. If he hadn't had the courage to do it, I'd be gone now, I'd be a monster. Not only did he save my life by removing the arm, he kept me from killing him. How could I ever hate Aiden for sparing me from serving the thing I hate most? How could I ever blame him for doing what he did when I would have murdered him otherwise?

I don't really know how to make him see that everything is fine. I'm getting much better now. My head feels the clearest it's been in weeks. The entire upper half of my body hurts, but the pain is a small price to pay and it's nothing compared to how it was the last time I posted. It feels more like a dull ache at this point rather than that sharp, stabbing, will sapping pain it was before. But, that may, of course, just be the copious amounts of medication talking.

I try to be around Aiden as much as possible. I don't let myself stay in bed even when it becomes unbearable to be moving around. I want him to know that I don't care about what happened. I want him to see that this is nothing compared to what could have happened had he chosen not to act. I need him to know how brave his actions were and how horrible I feel that his actions were even necessary. If I had had the will to act, I could have done it myself, but I was a coward and I forced my burden on Aiden. I don't know if I can ever repay him for what he did for me...I know that what he was forced to do probably scarred him quite a bit and it's all my fault.

I suppose it's difficult for me to put any of this into words when we're face to face...every time I try to tell him any of this I freeze up. I think of how horrible the ordeal must have been for awful it must have been to have to mutilate someone he cares about even though it saved both of our lives. I don't know...I just wish things would at least sort of go back to normal for awhile.

I saw Him outside last night. I wake up sometimes because the pain makes it hard to sleep and last night I finally worked up the courage to go to the window. I'd been avoiding it the past few weeks out of a fear of what I would see, but I suppose I was feeling reckless last night. I saw Him standing with His back to me. He was preoccupied by...something. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. I peered through the peep hole and was shocked to find Chastin standing outside. He looked haggard and sick, but the fear and sorrow in his eyes told me he wasn't in crazed proxy mode at that moment. I opened the door just enough to talk to him, taking care to keep the chain on so he couldn't force his way inside. Chastin remained silent for awhile, turning his head every few seconds to make sure slendy hadn't moved from his spot. It was then that I could finally see what was keeping slendy busy. It was a child. He was holding his arms out to the girl and she moved as if in a trance towards him. In a panic, I undid the chain as quickly as I could and attempted to shove Chastin aside so I could save the girl, but, since he's always been stronger than me, he was able to grab me and hold me still. I fought back as hard as I could, but the pain in my shoulder made it impossible to break free. I became dizzy and had to stop, but I couldn't take my eyes off of the sight before me. The fear in the girl's eyes as she unwillingly stepped closer and closer to the abomination before her will disturb me for years to come.

Chastin finally spoke in a harsh whisper. "Malkin, please. I need you to stop and listen to me."
"How can I?" I whispered back angrily. "That child is going to die, I have to do something and if you had even a shred of your old self inside you you would help me!"
"She's the only thing keeping Him from taking me back right now" Chastin said urgently. "I need you to listen while there's still time."
I stopped struggling again and stared at him, shocked. "'re the one that brought that child here? You brought her here as bait so you to me?" Suddenly, I found a new reserve of strength in me. My anger rose quickly to the surface and, in a sudden fit of rage, I threw him off of me and backed away from him. " You aren't the person I remember." I said, hurt and betrayal obvious in my voice. "How dare you sacrifice her life for your own selfish reasons." I went to the kitchen counter, took a knife, and turned back to Chastin, holding it to his throat. "Move." I commanded harshly. "Move or I'll kill you right here. I'm not going to let that girl die for you."
Chastin looked completely flabbergasted. He seemed shocked that I would ever threaten him like that, but he didn't know what I'd been though. He didn't know how that kind of thing can change a person. He didn't know the lengths I would go to to protect an innocent from Him. Chastin opened his mouth to say something, but suddenly, a tentacle whipped toward his neck, wrapped around it, and dragged him screaming backwards down the stairs. Slendy was there staring at me, Chastin on the ground at his feet with the tentacle still choking the life out of him. The girl was nowhere to be seen and I can only presume that she's gone...gone somewhere else...

I ran at Him, yelling wildly, and woke up a few hours ago in bed with fresh bruises and cuts covering my body. 

I couldn't save her...I couldn't save one child from Him. I couldn't save Chasin.

I'm a failure. I'm a coward.

I'm weak.

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