This isn't good...

Fuff...this is really bad (fuff is, btw, my replacement for the word fuck). I woke up this morning at like 5 am with a knife in my leg. Yeah...its as bad as it sounds. It was strange...I just suddenly became lucid out of nowhere and   I was sitting on my couch with a knife protruding from my left leg and blood running down to the floor. I was in shock to the point where I didn't even freak out. All I could do was sit there and stare at it, not knowing what to do. Thankfully, it wasn't in that deep. It still hurt like a bitch though. I think the pain is what snapped me out of whatever delirium I was in prior to that...

I remember going to bed the night before. I had taken sleeping pills because waking up every few hours to slendderp being creepy in the dark was getting unbearable. I slept like a log...but now I'm realizing that that isn't a good thing. I realize now that waking up randomly was the only thing keeping slendy from getting inside my head. It was a defense mechanism. I can see now why slendy thinks my will is too strong for him to easily penetrate.

I think I stabbed myself while I was in crazy sleepwalking proxy mode to bring myself out of his influence.

God, unconscious me has some serious balls.

Anyway, there's no way in hell I'm taking sleep meds again. I'm just going to have to deal with not getting my beauty sleep until Chastin gets a grip on his priorities. As an extra precaution I've decided I'm going to start tying one of my legs down to the bed post.

Slender Man, if you want me you're going to have to try a lot harder than that. I'm not going down without a fight, sir.

Oh! He just appeared in the corner. Oh dear...he's...really pissed off...he's talking to me.

Slender Man: Do not test me, impetuous child.

Me: I'm not. Its called survival instincts. Besides, I'm still pissed about the shower incident the other day.

S: Why do you resist? Why do you fight the inevitable?

Me: I will never hurt Chastin. I'll never let you take me. I know you can comprehend at least some human emotion from hanging out around Sandra and Aiden, so maybe you should consider the feelings driving my actions before you accuse me of being "impetuous" and go on a murderous rampage. I'm doing this for him.

S: Humanity is an enigma even to me.

Me: If you can feel curiosity you must be capable of feeling other emotions.

S: Perhaps. I need not explain to you. You are not like the others.

Me: I think I like bestial you better. Bestial slendy, at least has no control over his actions. He doesn't choose to murder. You, on the other hand, are the omnipresent slendy. You have a choice. Maybe I was wrong about you.

S: What you think of me is irrelevant. There is no tangible reason for my existence. I simply am. Good and evil are human constructs. They have little meaning in my higher plane of existence. Only I know the truths of this world. They are cruel and brutal things, you are not yet ready to know them, to know me.

I open my mouth to speak but he interrupts me.

S: However, be assured that I always keep my word. I have promised to break you and so you must not doubt this. Fighting only leaves you a tortured shell of a human in the end. Good day.

Slendy disappeared. Good riddance.

Aiden, it'd be awesome if you could like...yell at him a little bit for me.

A Troubling Week

Its been a difficult last few days...I miss Chastin. I haven't heard a thing from him since his last post here. He won't answer calls, texts, or emails and there aren't even any like recent draft posts by him on our blogger account.

Slendy revealed enough during our last conversation to convince me that Chastin is in a lot of danger right now. But, I'm going to assume that Chas is still alive since Slendderp keeps showing his nonexistent face around my apartment since he told me he was going to use me to get Chastin. Slendy hasn't made any move to kill me or anything, which I assume he's going to do once he has what he wants from Chas.

So, I'm at least reassured that Chastin is still alive. He's probably in shock from discovering the truth about Kyle's death...gosh I wish I could be there for him. He needs me. But...I'm kind of afraid to go. I'm afraid that, if I get close to Chas, Slendderp will make good on his promise to turn me into a proxy and then I'll be forced to hurt the man I love.

God, I'm so stressed out. I hardly sleep during the night. I can tell that slendy's stepping up his efforts to break me. He's been in my apartment every day since we talked and that sensation of feeling like something's trying to sweep me away is getting worse.

Honestly, it was horrifying when I first saw him appear in the corner of the living room next to the TV on Thursday. But, he didn't really do anything. He just stood there and "stared" at me. His gaze burns me to my very core... He's taken to standing in whatever room I'm in for an hour or so before disappearing and then coming back the next day. It scared the living shit out of me at first, but after awhile it was just annoying. He's watching me type this in my room right now. Again, its really annoying. I look up to glare at him every few minutes and all he does is tilt his head.

I tried asking him what he wants, but, for the first few days, he wouldn't reply. I asked him a few minutes ago and all he said was this:
 "Iamwaiting".

Ugh...this is extremely tiresome. I'm pretty sure he watches me for a little while each night. I wake up every few hours due to my paranoia and sometimes I see his shadowy form in the corner across from whatever side of the bed I happen to be sleeping on. My heart starts pounding and I sweat like crazy. I can't get myself to move until he finally disappears. Its really only when I see him at night that I get super freaked out...I used to spazz out when I saw him around my apartment during the day, too, but now I've kind of started to see him as  another piece of furniture. At night, however, he always has the tentacles out and his head cocked at the freaky 90 degree angle. I think he knows I've always been afraid of the dark...

On a more humorous note, this morning when I was in the shower he actually had the gall to appear in the bathroom with me. I'm sure you can all imagine what happened next.

I'm standing in the hot water, trying not to think about my life, and suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see a shadowy shape appear on the other side of my shower curtain. I see his pasty, white chin and part of his suit over the top of the curtain and I freak out. Keep in mind, this is the first time the entire week he's been hanging around here that I've actually had a frightened fit because of him. Prior to that I'd been attempting to appear calm and not acknowledge his presence. Well, I started throwing soap at him and shouting at him to GTFO my shower time.

 He seemed extremely confused...I actually felt a little bad for him. He clearly had no idea what I was doing in the shower...I think he just noticed that my mind was vulnerable since I totally space out in the shower and decided to take advantage of that. I don't know. It was still hilarious.

He's back to his usual watching now. I think he's angrier than he has been before. Maybe that's because I threw soap at him...but I think its because he still isn't able to break me. He's getting frustrated and I think he's going to step up his game soon...

Please come back, Chastin...

I knew it

I fucking knew something like this would happen once you left. You idiot...please be okay...you know that that whole Kyle hallucination was just slendy fucking with you right? You say you killed Kyle...well....I do believe you when you say that. I also know it wasn't your fault. It can't have been...you would never willingly kill your own brother.
The fact that you have that huge memory gap and a new wound is extremely disturbing...I think...well...I guess its  too early to say what I'm thinking for certain.
Look...I know Kyle's death wasn't really Chastin's fault because I asked a certain someone who would know all these things. Mhmm, I actually got some answers out of the Tall One himself. It wasn't nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. It was...frightening to say the least, but I'm alive aren't I?

Here's how it went:
The morning after Chastin announced he was leaving I pretty much stayed in bed and ignored him as he was getting his stuff and getting ready to go to his new loft place. He said goodbye and all I did was glare at him...I feel really guilty about that now knowing he almost died last night. Anyway, after I finally heard the door to the apartment shut I got up and went to make tea for my fragile nerves. I'd barely slept that night because of the strange fear I've been having recently of letting my guard down. I constantly feel this force tugging on my mind and coaxing me to let go...
I sat down on the couch and then slendderp just kind of appeared on the balcony outside the window. He stared at me as I sat drinking tea and all I did was look up once, raise my eyebrow, and look back at the TV.

Yeah...I hope it doesn't seem like I have balls of steel or anything. I don't. I'm not like Zeke Strahm...I'm a total wuss. It isn't that I'm not scared of slendy, its that, at that moment, just like the night at the bar, I was so depressed and worn out that I didn't even want to put up with his shit.

Then I remembered that I had wanted to talk to him before my relationship got screwed over. At that time, I wanted to scream at slendy and beat him to death since its his fault Chastin left. But, I knew it was important we get answers, so I mastered myself and gestured for him to come inside.

He seemed...confused. He did the crazy head tilt and let off this aura of some sort of perplexed curiosity.

Me: "Well, are you coming in or not?"

The next thing I know, slendy's inside next to the TV. He's still confused and I'm still frustrated and angry.

Me: "I want to talk."

Slendy just kind of stands there and stares. I'm still shocked he wasn't angry or anything...

Me: "What the hell is your deal? What did we do to attract your attention? Will you tell me?"

Slendy, to my great surprise, nods. I scramble to grab something for him to write on since I didn't want anymore painful head trauma from his screwy telepathy crap but, when I hold a pen and notepad out to him, he shakes his head and the horrible pain comes back. Like before, I'm able to use my willpower to make it go away. However, this strange pressure remains on my head. It felt like someone was squeezing my skull. It wasn't painful, just annoying.

Slender Man: "Thosewillnotbenecessary."

Yeah, I'm pretty sure he doesn't need to talk like that...I think he was just messing with me.

Me: Um...can you not talk with your words all jumbled up and stuff? Its painful.

Slendy: "Clearyourmind."

 I'm extremely wary of doing this since I've lately been feeling like some strange darkness has been invading my head trying to sweep me away, but, after a few moments, I relax and the pressure lifts.

Slendy: "Now we can speak."

Me: "What was that all about? Why does it hurt when you try to talk to me?"

S: "We could not speak because you refuse to let me in. Even now I have very limited access to you. You have a very strong mind, child. It has given even me quite a bit of trouble."

Me: "Wait, what?"

S: "I have tried to enter your thoughts, but your willpower is far too strong. I cannot find a foothold in your mind. I cannot break you as I have broken the others. Why is this? I am curious."

Me: "I don't believe you're entirely evil, maybe its got something to do with that?"

S: "Perhaps. No matter, you will be mine in due time, be assured."

Me: "Seriously? You want me as a proxy? What the hell could I possibly do that could be of use to you?"

S: "You are dear to him. If I break you he will fall all too easily. His mind will not be able to handle the sight of his poor Malkin at the mercy of his worst nightmare."

Me: "No! What do you want with Chastin?! He'd never even heard of you before I told him, and that wasn't until after you started following us! I'm the one that's been all into the mythos surrounding you..."

S: "Foolish child, you know nothing. He is mine. He slipped away from me but he is MINE."

He got extremely angry at that point. The tentacles came out and I fell to the ground clutching my head at the strength of his outburst.

Me: "St-stop! It hurts!"

S: "Just wait, little one. You will be the instrument of his destruction. I will shatter your mind and leave you groveling at my feet like a dog."

After he said that, the tentacles disappeared again and he comes closer to me.

Me: "You know...you're kind of awkward looking. Just saying."

Slendy: "Then perceive me as something different, child. It is as you believe. I am the product of humanity and its perplexing need to be frightened. I am here to frighten and to take, just as you asked of me. You say you believe I am not evil, yet I can see that you do not feel this with conviction. You can change your fortune, child. Until then, however, donotexpectmercyfromme.

I'm guessing my guard started to go back up instinctively at that point since his speech began to become jumbled and the pressure came back
Um...he actually patted me on the head before disappearing. It wasn't really comforting and nice like I imagine it is when he pats Aiden or Allen on the head. It was creepy...
Yeah...note to self, don't piss off the Slender Man. Its not a good idea and it leaves you with a headache that lasts for five hours.

Aiden, I really wish I could see the nice side of him like you...angry slendy is REALLY scary.

So yeah, that was my conversation. At least I know for certain now that he wants Chastin. God dammit, Chas, please come home. I don't know how much longer I can keep him at bay and I'd really rather not go all proxy on you...

On an unrelated note, I really hope you're okay Taben....please don't be hurt.

Also unrelated, I'm really happy that M's alive. I can see already that some serious shit is gona happen to the guy that saved him though...

Losing Memory.

I got settled into my uncle's loft, it's quite cozy having everything in one room.

But the reason I'm losing memory, well is something I want to figure out.

The last thing I remember last night was leaving the apartment. I needed some air, and it was massively awkward being in the same place as Malkin. I got on my bike and started riding into town. I remember the neon lights, the dark street corners, and the small amount of people crowding the streets with night life.

I weaved my way through the streets, getting lost in thought. I stopped at a red light. The colors of red reflected off my helmet and puddles in front of me. I looked at my right arm, seeing the bandage at my shoulder, and the bandage at my wrist concealing the Operator symbol. I ripped it off and let the bandages float to the ground. I looked at the tattoo, I felt its black lines with my fingers, and saw the red light change to green from the reflections. I continued the maze.

But that was it. I remember smiling, feeling like a weight heavier than the bandage was lifted.

Then a long gap, between 11 to 4 in the morning.

But I fucking remember everything after the gap of memory.

My eyes shot open to see the dark living room of the loft. My right arm was stretched out in front of me, bleeding like a mad man, from my shoulder though, the blood was going around my tattoo. It took a couple seconds for everything to kick in.

Kyle's gun was facing me on the floor, bloody like my hand. Then my heart kicked in, beating like a train on a track. My eyes widened. My breathing became hard and deep.

"Fuck.. fuck fuck fuck fuck," I said, slowly getting louder with every 'fuck'. I lifted myself from the floor, holding my right arm, sitting on the stained carpet. I looked around, the door was open, cold air was bursting in, rain poured, drowning out everything. My ears pounded with my head and I pulled myself up, stumbling around, trying to find balance.

"Did I fuckin' shoot myself?" I questioned still in shock.

But there were no bullet wounds on my shoulder, the burn from a couple weeks ago had reopened and gotten larger. And the blood wouldn't stop coming out, trickling off my fingers. I clenched my teeth, forcing the pain in.

I looked over to the couch.

Kyle.

Kyle...-

...Kyle?

I blinked multiple times.

Kyle stayed in my vision. He sat on the couch with the gun in his hand. Messing with the trigger.

He looked at me. Was he real!? I couldn't figure out!

He smiled and opened his mouth to speak "Wanna remake history?" He asked ticking the gun against his white smile. He opened his mouth, putting the gun all the way in.

"KYLE! Don't!" I stepped closer to him, not wanting to get close. Was he even real?

"You did" he simply said.

The gun fire was so loud to me, I nearly screamed. Well I did, but more in a hysterical manner.

To realize the gun wasn't in his mouth anymore...

A bullet hole cut through his skull, blood and flesh splattered on the other side.

No emotion, no eyes, no soul.

I looked down, to my right hand trembling with the gun. Smoke still rose from the barrel, as my blood dripped off the end. How did I get the gun?

The fear, the shock, the chaos that my mind held... I knew it wasn't fucking real. But it was hard to believe. I dropped the gun, and stumbled over to Kyle's body.

That

Wasn't

Really

There...

I reached for the couch, to nothing but leather.

And a bullet hole, piercing the cushion.

Tears stormed down my face, mimicking the rain.

A couple hours later I got to my senses and fixed my arm. I cleaned up the blood stains today, and was speechless the rest.

It was just like mom said, I killed Kyle.

I'm so lost.

I'm afraid your sorries are irrelevant because, if you were here, I'd punch you in the face

You big idiot...you really thought dumping me was the right answer to our problems? Its not going to make slendy go away...all its done is divide us and now things are going to get worse. How can you not believe that its the Slender Man when you've SEEN HIM WITH YOUR OWN TWO EYES? You can pretend this isn't real all you want, that doesn't change the fact that we're both in danger. Leaving me won't make him stop following me, you know.

I'm on my laptop right now in my room. I pretty much kicked Chastin out of here and he's now out in the living room sleeping. I feel helpless...and I can feel those burning eyes on me again. There's this...strange sensation eating away at the corners of my mind...I feel like I'm drifting in and out of dreams and that there's a darkness trying to sweep me away if I let myself slip out of lucidity. I can't deal with slendderp without Chastin...its just too much. Wow, I'd enjoy a hug right now.

By the way Chas, you can hardly call the way I've been acting "whiny". More like...worried about you dying and trying to keep both of us alive.

God, I'd really love to beat slendderp over the head with a chair right now.

I'm really sorry.

First, it took forever to get out of the hospital because they thought I was having mental problems because I couldn't sleep at night, and when I did I would have really fucked up dreams... about my past.

But something else happened, and I really wish I didn't have to mention it.

I did break up with Malkin. This Slender thing isn't real, and it was getting a little too much for our relationship, plus Malkin has been on my nerves about too much lately and I can't take some of his whinyness. He needs to grow up and I need space.

I'm not saying I don't love Malkin, I do, I just need a break from him, and I need to sleep.

I'm moving out tomorrow to the loft above my uncle's garage.

It's just a break, it's not permanent.

So sorry for delayed posts...

Sad times so far

Chastin still isn't home from the hospital...they want to make sure he's completely okay before they release him since, you know, he crashed into a freaking tree so hard the car is now wrecked and sad.
Its just me alone at home right now. I haven't seen slendderp since that night at the bar. I'm guessing he has other things to do.
Maybe its wrong to say this, and I really hope Taben doesn't get mad at me for it (I apologize ahead of time for what I'm about to say in case you become offended), but I'm jealous of people like Aiden and Allen who get to see the good side of slendy...
When I was just some random slender fan I always held the opinion that slendy wasn't really evil in the sense that we generally think of when we think of a malicious, horrible monster. I remember him mentioning once on Sandra's blog that he doesn't kill because he likes it, but because its what we, his creators, made him to do. Assuming he is a tulpa, its pretty safe to say that, since we created slendy to be this terrifying monster that drives people crazy and murders them or proxy-fies them, that that's what he'll become. It isn't really his fault that he does what he does. He doesn't really have a choice. In the end its our perception of him that drives him to murder and so we can only call ourselves responsible.
Maybe thats strange of me to suggest...but its what I've been contemplating since I got back. Many of us bloggers hate him for all the pain he's caused, but isn't that what we wanted him to do in the first place? The only thing we didn't foresee is that our creation would become real...
I guess the statement "be careful what you wish for" is completely true isn't it? We made a monster for our own enjoyment (yes, it is enjoyment since we love being scared of things we know aren't real) and now its come to life and we only have ourselves to blame for what he's done as a result of our stupidity.

Anyway...before I knew he was real, I used to think it would be awesome if slendy would be my friend. Of course...I also thought (and still think) it would be cool to be friends with Pyramid Head so maybe I'm just weird...

Maybe I'll try talking to him again...maybe I should see what he has to say? I need to know what he wants with Chastin and maybe, just maybe, I can get him to tell me. Yeah...wish me luck on that one. I'm hoping I'll get lucky and slendy'll be fairly docile when I see him next. He seemed pretty calm when I saw him outside my parents' house that time. Of course, he chased me down a street and knocked me out the very next time we met...

I want to believe that he is capable of good. Chastin will think that's stupid...but from what I've seen with people like Aiden and Sandra, he is capable of something other than murder. Even the most evil human being is capable of good, and I believe the same concept stands with the Slender Man. I guess I'm too trusting and nice...but we'll see. If I can perceive him as something other than an evil abomination then maybe he'll stop trying to hurt us.

Again, wish me luck...